Natural questions: Are they what we are looking for in a male/female fulfillment of roles , do they match what we are expecting in compatibility, do they have the same overall wants for a future, are we going in the same direction? Do we have the same beliefs about money and finances etc. (Believe it or not, most people do not address these important questions even before marriage! I can't imagine it, but I know it happens.) Unfortunately there are quirks and differences that cause us to ponder... can we tolerate someone who may not match up to exactly our ideal partner we've envisioned all along? Most of us can admit there are qualities in our partner that drive us bananas: does he chew like a cow, or leave his socks on the floor even tho we've told him 100 times, that its a pet peeve that irks that crap out of us? Does she use your razor in the shower and now its dull because she just shaved half her body with it, is she always cranky in the morning even though thats your best time of day? Those discussions are going to be had, especially if you're living together but they shouldn't be your focus. Newsflash...you're not perfect either. So pick and choose your battles. If its really important to you then bring it up, if its a standard/deal breaker, take your stand. Its ok to have standards, in fact, everyone should establish theirs.
What if you have a pretty solid foundation you are building on with overall happiness but minor adjustments that would make things a lot smoother? You might have different styles of communication and want to get on the same page. Your partner isn't necessarily trying to hurt you, but may be, by continuing to do things the way they have always done them in the past or having a different way of going about the same task.
The answer: communicate. If you have a willing partner, someone who wants to be in it for the long hall and possesses a willing attitude, you can do anything. When your love throws you a bone, take it, even if it looks different than what your used to. Sometimes you have to bite the bullet and work with what you got, bite your tongue and keep moving. Someone who loves you enough will try and make you happy however that may be. Keyword: Try. Taking actions to prove they are taking your concerns seriously. They may not be perfect at it but if you can see the effort, invest back the trust that will encourage them to keep walking. Love is a word thats never described by two people in the same way. And its not expressed the same either. Therefore, your goals shouldn't be to become the same person but to support the love of your life in a way that balances the relationship. Maybe you and your significant other have so much in common emotionally, spiritually and otherwise but you notice in a certain areas that he may be better at taking care of the outside housework and you the inside housework; there are gaps you can fill in your relationship that allow you to feel you can count on one another for your strengths. Practice delegating projects, or simple every day tasks based off your strengths instead of always fighting for the right to say you can do it all, because you can't. Thats why some of us are leaders and the other followers, some of us are doctors and other lawyers. It ok to admit your not all of those things. Allow your mate to feel proud and strong in the gifts they were meant to share with the world/your relationship.
Ego gets in the way of relationships when you have an attitude that either dictates that you can do it all, be it all, or are unwilling to work with a willing spirit. It can infect your heart and create a soul that is boastful, even if there is nothing to boast about. Ego can drive a wedge between the best thing thats ever happened to your life. Its ok to communicate what is causing your unhappiness but its best to remember its not always what you say but how you say it, i.e. stay humble. Take initiative to bring it up but in a way that is as willing as you want him/her to be in reacting, as you are in communicating sensitively to someone you're sharing your life with.
Vulnerability seems to be a problem in todays society because of ego. We have a bunches of people walking around too afraid to communicate their own imperfections in fear that they will be "found out". Those who struggle with vulnerability, struggle with communication effectiveness, human connection, ego and perfectionism. How can you expect another human being to open up to you and show you who they really are, connect with you and feel safe in an environment when you are unwilling to do just that? Trust is built on connection. If you want to build a relationship with anyone, you have to let down the walls, show your own short comings so they feel safe to show theirs. If all of the world decided to prance around posturing like peacocks, we'd all be really lonely. And have really big heads about our imperfect selves.
In short, be a willing partner, appreciate yours if you have one and remember that we all just want to be loved, accepted, and acknowledged as someone who matters.
With Purpose,
Lori
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